3 mOnths out

hey there, tiz is the 3rd month tat i'm out.. really lucky 2 be out here.. but feeling stressed out deep inside.. there's so many things that i still can't get used to.. get into a relatiOnship?? i can't.. juz can't.. when a guy treats me well, i get irritated.. finally, i'm 21 on the nov 4.. !! but still no key to my tag! still have memories of the past.. unable 2 forget everything.. never regretted but hate this feeling.. shit man! it juz seems so familiar.. currently working for HSBC doing credit cards.. well, banking is really not 4 me.. but i can't quit too.. really duno hw 2 live the next 9 MONTHS!! at work everyone has a target, target is something not meant to be met, but as long as ur close, you're fine.. it feels so de-motivating when u face like 100 rejections a day & u have 2 motivate urself 2 keep going.. really SI BEI SIAN AR!! worst is, u still gotta keep to the restrictions of tagging! haizzzzzzzzzz!

finally i've hit the 15 accounts target for the week! happy man! i'm the tOp sales persOn 4 the week.. next week is a new week of war again.. lifes been challenging 4 me recently.. juz dunnO hw lOng i'll last.. i dun have tat much energy all the time man!! recently i've been attending the church service @ city harvest every sunday mOrning.. feel tat God has been treating me really well.. everythings gOing well 4 me... i juz leave everything 2 him.. didn't really have much faith last time, but ever since i started gOing 2 church, everything juz falls intO place... i've recently alsO started tOking 2 a childhoOd fren called weiming, he's dOing really well nw, studyin @ laselle & an tattoO artist by appOintment! haha.. he loOks really hapi & satisfied with life.. tats sOmething i wan too.. being fulfilled in life though simple..

1 mOnth old

its been a month since i came out.. life still the same.. not yet ready 2 open up 2 the real world yet.. realised that the world is getting faster & faster each day.. everything has 2 be fast.. even in work, u dun hit ur target u get de-motivated.. singaporeans working too hard i guess! sometimes during the weekends do for a drink or something.. juz 2 relief the stresses @ work.. 2moro will be the 1st of Oct.. i'll be left with 10 mths to go! say like so fast, but in the process, Sian ar! i received Yongli's letter, he's an ex-bf who i got caught with.. he still has a very long time.. i told myself tat i have 2 be there 4 him till 2011.. i motivate him thru my letters & cards 2 him.. i really hope he has a beta life after this.. if he still doesn't change, i really duno wat to say liao.. yesterday, i went 2 a pub @ boat quay called white bar.. met up with an old buddy.. seems the same 2 me.. our friendship is also the same, thought that we may seem a little strange, but luckily we didn't..

Life In Prison

[a photo of me & my very missed brother, Allan]

Well, life in prison isn't exactly bad if u know hOw 2 fend 4 urself.. but dun overdO it lah.. it was when i talked 2 this girl in prison that told me i can't carry on this way.. this girl is only arOund 25 this year.. sentenced to a total of 22yrs.. she will only be out in 2016.. i mean, can anyOne see theirselves in 2016? not me.. anOther ah ma who i saw inside was also sentenced to 20+ yrs.. already 70+ this year.. but spent half her lifetime in there.. she was caught 4 cOoking her own opium @ home.. cool thing 2 do man!! well she's been in there since 1994.. becoz she's old & sick.. she's grumpy.. sO no one wants 2 stay with her to take care of her.. most of her time inside was spent in the cell alone.. i dun wanna grow old tat way man..

Now, after a few weeks out, still abit lost & dun wish 2 open 2 the real wOrld juz as yet.. too soon.. no cOnfidence of myself too.. life outside is much mOre stressful than inside.. inside yOu only have 2 wOrry whether your family is gonna visit you & boredOm.. as 4 outside, you really have 2 learn hOw 2 protect urself & one wrOng decisiOn can make your life go down the drain.. so DUN TRY anything brave if you dunno the concequences well.. I myself am nOt that strong yet.. sO i try 2 stay away when i can.. hOpe the people who are close 2 me understand this phrase i'm going thru..

The food inside sucks man!! Almost everyday is "tao kua & spinach".. if u are lucky, you will taste sand in the vege.. if not u'll be seeing ladybugs or ur friendly worm wriggling around.. i know myself tat this juz the starting & i will definitely say things to motivate myself but i really wanna change.. Really.. but juz unable 2 unlOck tat secOnd prison named, Society..

"People aren't bOrn with Hatred, it was beaten intO them gradually"

My ChildhoOd

i grew up in a average chin-dian family.. my dad was tat typical drinking & violent indian.. used 2 cOme up home drunk & started 2 break things in the hOme.. if unlucky, mum & i wOuld get it frOm him too.. there was once that he tried 2 hang himself on a pole outside the bathroOm.. luckily my mum brOught him dOwn & he got intO a fits so we called 995.. the best thing is, in the hOspital the next day, he didn't remember a single thing tat happened.. even accused us of making stOries..

since 5, i helped him 2 pack his drugs.. by the age of 11, i was glue-stiffing in the neighbOurhoOd 'lOngkangs' of bishan park.. i started 2 play truant & my attendance was like 14/96.. meaning i only went 2 schOol 14 days in the semestar.. i upgraded frOm glue-stiffing 2 ketamine, ecstasy, 5 & eventually ice.. i got caught in the yr 2000 where i was sent 2 Toa Payoh Girls Home for 2 yrs.. i was there fOr 22 mths b4 being released early fOr gOod behaviour..

when i came out i was still yOung & withOut a gOal in life.. i tOok my O levels but only went 4 the English paper.. sO i only got a credit in english.. i lOved tattoos, i mean who dOesn't? the 1st day i was released frOm the hOme, i started 2 take drugs again.. reasOn being 2 lose weight.. i tOld myself after i lOst weight i wOuld stOp.. i didn't..

in 2005, while i was in a hOtel rOom with my bf & frenz, the dOor got brOke dOwn by the CNB & i was caught yet again.. the 1st thing tat came 2 my mind was 2 jump dOwn that building.. we were @ the 7th floor.. i didn't dare lah.. my urine tested positive fOr Ice, K & 5.. i was sentenced tO 3 yrs imprisonment in Changi Womens Prison..

i'll cOntinue again on my time spent in Prison.. gtg now..

off day

wOw.. juz gOt my blOg ready.. tink i'm gOnna write a bOok bOut it.. well, the truth is juz came out of prisOn becOz of a drug offence.. ain't ashamed of it cOz it taught mii alOt.. met ppl frOm differant walks of life.. grandmOthers at the age of 70+ still serving their sentence, really hits me hard.. at least i still have a great career with mii.. intending 2 bring it tO further heights.. u believe i'll dO it?

guess i'll cOntinue 2moro.. lOtz 2 talk abOut.. this photo is the old me.. read further & u'll see the new me.. hahaz!